An open letter to anyone who has felt lost, depressed and alone.
I’ll be honest, i’m not really sure how these things work and I feel kind of ridiculous for even attempting it, but I feel like it needs to be done.
I’m also writing this because one of the most amazing people I know is having a really shitty time and I just want to surround her with the love that she needs and deserves but neither of us is really good at that.
I have felt almost everything you’re probably going through. I went through a horrific two years where you’re stuck in this black hole of nothingness that feels like it’s never ending and you might not make it out alive. I managed to. I don’t know how, but I did. That doesn’t mean that i’m okay. I still have awful days, weeks, months but that’s how it’s going to be for the rest of my life and it’s something that I will have to get used to.
Depression is shitty. It’s the worst. You can be depressed because horrific things have happened, or you can have it when nothing has seemingly been all that wrong. It’s the gift that no one wants, and that keeps on giving but not in a good way. It makes me want to say, “I’d like to return this. Thanks but no.”
Whether you know it or not, people are there for you and they care. You won’t know at the time, you won’t believe anyone when they say it and you’ll feel alone. It took me a good two years since the worst past to realise who was there when I needed and what they did to help, even if I didn’t notice then. Because I was too wrapped up in my black hole of self-loathing and hatred and resentment and uselessness. I’m alive because of those people today. Some of them stuck around, some didn’t but i’m still grateful.
I never asked for an invisible illness. I never wanted it. You sure didn’t either. There will be some people who will say “just cheer up!” or “you have it so great though!” and “there isn’t even anything wrong with you” and it will take all the small amount of will power you have not to punch these people in the face. This will happen a lot. There will be a lot of people who need to get their faces punched. It’s a sorry state of affairs and it’s horrible and you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
I don’t want to sound like all the cliches you’ve ever heard, and i’m not going to pretend that it isn’t hard and horrific and the absolute worst thing. I’m not. That isn’t what you need to hear. I’m hear to tell you it’s fucking shitty and it’s unfair and it physically hurts until you can’t feel anything and it’s like nothing you’ve ever experienced. I’m not going to lie and you’ll cry and cry until you can’t anymore.
But some days it won’t be that bad. One day, and it might be in a week, or a month, or a year, it’ll go away. You’ll start to feel normal again, you’ll start to be okay again. And that feeling? It’s fantastic.
You can have good days and bad days whilst you’re going through everything and it’ll put you out of whack. You’ll get there though, and however much you don’t believe me or can’t believe me right now, just know that there are people that care, and people that feel the same and people who love you.
You might not want to talk to anyone, you might feel like if you tried to explain what you were feeling that you’d sound like a liar or an attention seeker or a fake. Everyone does. I bottled everything up so many times and it damages you. If you feel like one day you maybe good, maybe talk to someone you trust. You don’t have to tell them everything, hell you don’t have to tell them anything. Even if it’s just “I’m not okay and I don’t like it” or “I don’t feel right”, it’s a stepping stone. It’s you making your own choices.
Don’t think you have to do anything you don’t want to either. You really don’t. Don’t pressure yourself into doing things that you don’t think you can handle. It’s important to look after yourself. Self care is one of the best things you can do for yourself, even when you don’t think it’s possible. Physically or mentally, it’s important.
You. Are. Important.
Don’t forget that.
I’m not pretending to be anyone who knows everything. I’m not saying that i’m the best person to even give advice. I’m just someone in their early twenties with no idea what she’s doing. But I’ve been through it. I was okay for a really long time, and I can admit now that I’m not really okay right now. I feel kind of horrific and useless and I don’t know where i’m going from here.
But I also know that I’m not that bad and I have been through worse, and mostly, that I can beat it. I am the most pessimistic and cynical person you might ever meet, but I know that I can get through.
Believe me, if I can get through it, you can too.
It’s going to be hard. It’s going to be trying. It’s probably going to be horrible.
But you’re amazing. Even if you don’t feel it right now. Someone thinks you’re amazing right now and sometimes that’s what you need to hold onto.
Don’t let something you can’t control become you.
Because you’re better than that, and you can do this.
Sometimes you might just need someone else to tell you.
(even if it’s just some stranger on the internet, sorry guys)
I have one of the best friends I could have wished for. Not exaggerating in the slightest. Any of my followers who struggle with depression or anxiety or anything of that nature, please read this.